You are always alert and keenly observant. You are not truly satisfied with your everyday status and you are seeking fresh avenues which can give you the opportunity to prove your worth. You feel that there are still many barriers that stand between you and recognition - but one by one you will overcome them. Your tenacity is your one good point - like an English Bulldog, once you take the bite, you will seldom let go.

You are totally dissatisfied with your present situation. Matters are not going right for you and you are seeking a means of escape. Your mental state of mind necessitates that you need to change your thinking patterns. Remember, if one particular modus operandi doesn't seem to work, then try something different.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

You feel that you must have co-operation from those close to you before the existing stressful situation can be improved. You feel that no-one understands you and this lack of understanding and appreciation makes you feel completely isolated. You need that feeling of security and would like to get away from what you now consider depressing shackles. You have that need to re-establish your own individuality but your sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for you to let go - to open up, but the way that you are feeling at this time makes you feel that 'Enough is enough' and you are prepared to give in. This disturbs you as you feel that this attitude is an obvious sign of weakness - an attitude to be overcome and so in spite of this situation you feel that in order to assert your own individuality you need to continue to practice self-restraint.

You feel that you need to move on. You feel that you are not appreciated or valued for what you are and that the time is 'now'. Failure to do so will not afford you the conditions to prove your worth.

I can only say it is quite true.. hahs.. 75%.

as I tried to look u in the face to bid u gdbye this morning, I held out my hand for a handshake for no reason.. perhaps that will make it seem a proper farewell..

as you gave me a hug, I saw the tears flashing in ur eyes, as u rest ur head on my shoulders, my heart ached. I didn't expect that, but it makes me feel like crying..

as I ate the apple that you will cut for me every morning, I knew it is different. This will be the last fruit that you will put nicely in a container with a toothpick for me.. u do that every morning ever since I am watching my diet.. asking me whether I want to bring cut fruit to work..

as I bid you gdbye again on the phone during lunchtime, I knew this may be the last time I will be speaking to you. Thanking u and asking you to take care may be only what I have said at this point of time, but it comes from the bottom of my heart.

thinking back, 3 years of living together had brought you closer to our family.. Still remember vividly when u just came, u cooked lots of Indonesian dishes.. I rmb we said that the mashed potatoes are nice and that became a frequent dish on the dining table frm then on until Mommy taught u more local dishes..

u will never fail to wake me up on time be it naps or every morning as long as Daddy or Mommy instructed u to.. to ensure I am never late for sch or for work..

I was angry with you when I wanted to make egg sandwich and you prepare the last egg to be half-boiled instead of hard-boiled, thus spoiling my sandwich plan..

I seldom buy u things but when u decided to keep ur hair long, I bought u 2 rubber bands..

There was not a word of grumble frm u when you have more work to do, for eg had to fry the seaweed chicken at night after dinner.. when u have to cook instant noodles for supper for both ah di and I.. when I req u have to hand wash most of my clothes..

You will show me a picture of your son happily that u just received in a letter frm ur hometown.. and at the same time, u will also req to develop some of the photos we had taken together to keep as memorto.

how I will ask u how do I look before I leave for work everyday

and I will always look for u when I am in need of stamps but too lazy to go buy myself..

how you will answer the calls like a standard answering machine, giving ur greetings promptly..

how you will open the door, welcoming every friend of ah di and mine with ur cheerful smiles..

although the vegetables u fry are always overcooked, but u still possess good culinery skills, making my clique love the food u cooked..

and not to forget your birthdays, which falls exactly on Valentine's Day.. such a special day..

I will never forget the happiness that is beaming on your face when you tot u r coming back after 3 weeks, telling me how excited u r to see ur son and ur family again..

All these trival things, but things will be different as I will not see u every morning anymore. I will not see u ironing the clothes in the afternoon.. I am sad, after all, 3 years of time is not considered short, but there is not eternity in this world and u shld be going back to your family to where u belong. Perhaps before that, u had already caught the hint that u will not be serving us anymore, perhaps u only know of the decision last minute, let's hope everyone part without too much sadness.. and may life be blissful for u back in your hometown.

Let us all continue the respective journeys of our lives. As angel had said, smile becos fate had bought abt our meeting..

once again, I have realised the importance of my family and friends around me and I will cherish them more than before..

nostalgia hits me again.. I dun wanna tink but I can't deny the fact that I am thinking abt tj and the school life we had when I was reading jiamin's blog.. we had left precious memories in every corner every corner of tj.. suddenly had an urge to go back to lep room.. even if this is so, I am more aware that things have changed and as much as I am willing to go back, the people and environment there are different..

stop reminiscing abt the past, tang. and maybe u r rite. I will try to adopt to your advice of stop thinking that my life is screwed up. argh.

and I desperately need some time alone to cool off.. I haven't had the time to interact with my own soul for ages. I have not listened to the voices of my heart for very long.. so.. let this begin after contract end.

speaking of ending of contract, although 3 mths is just a fleeting period of our lives, I still feel sad. Sad not becos I am afraid of being jobless but sad that I am leaving the ppl behind.. To console myself, I can only say if I dun leave my 'comfort circle' to venture into new areas, I will never know what the future holds for me..

anyway, was reading 'Rape of Nanking'.. omg.. totally disgusted with the Japanese.. and gets me very affected everyday after I read the book.. Maybe Iris Chang (author) didn't commit sucide solely becos of the facts stated in the book, but I tink there is a high possibility that that is one of the contribution factors.. and what leaves me more excited is I just bought a book, 'The Unknown Story, Mao' on Mao Zedong. gosh! After I finish 'R.O.N', I will move on to it.. hahas..

browsing thru tj pics again.. and as usual, memories flooded back..

the feeling is sad.. looking thru the pics.. thinking abt then.. and abt now.. we have changed.. I have changed, at least. and to be honest, I am ashamed abt my change. I had no idea what I had subject my friends to until... I had upset my dearest pals, and I sincerely apologise for that. I apologise too.. for only realising that after the outbreak. If I had been more observant, maybe all that wouldn't have happen..

however, I know an apology isn't enough.. actually, after the accident, I dunno how to face u guys..I may not show it but I actually feel awkward in all your presence..I am reluctant to let go of our friendships but at the same time at a loss when I am facing u guys.. I feel guilty cos of wat I had done, all the unhappiness I have caused, all the trouble I had created..

and worse of all, I am not a worthy person, worthy daughter, worthy sister and not even a worthy friend. Incidents happen one after another.. my mind is in a mess. I need to think properly. I need to be clear headed.. but can I? I am confused, hurt, sad, preoccupied.. does that help? not at all. I need time and like the skies will clear after the rain, hopefully I will sort out my problems one by one.. and things to turn out fine.

some say death makes u closer to life, makes u more appreciative of life and it is true.. I tink.

have u tried living a day as if it is ur last? perhaps u may have not.. most peers at our age are in the pink of health, too lazy to bother abt such stuff.. however, even if this is so, we shld not neglect our life. Without death to be the constant reminder to keep us in track, we will stray frm our dreams and our so-called destiny. We will take everything for granted. We won't appreciate our closed ones beside us, we will always delay what we want to say to our loved ones, thinking we have all the time in the world.. we will not know how precious time is, how blissful we are, how vaulable our family and friends are, and how helpless it is to await death.. time may be in abundance to us now.. but like a natural resource, it will eventually depete one day.

everything may be the end for u after u died, but it is not over for those who love u deeply.. It will remain as a scar deeply in their hearts. Everything won't be the same again. They will be reminded of your laughter, your smile, your voice, bits and pieces of u in everything they do. They will be tormented by the pain of missing u.. but.. that's life.

We can't predict death, can't control when it will come but before it comes, be appreciative of everything we own in life, be grateful for everyone who left a print in ur heart..

well.. my contract is ending.. haaz.. and soon I will be leaving the job and off to find another new job.. Man are really emotional animals..情感动物. So far, what I have learnt in the company is definitely what we cannot experience in school. I have learnt not to trust people implicitly. Those who may be friendly to u on the surface may be backstabbing u behind ur back. Those who u do not have a gd first impression of may let u change ur opinion of them at the end of the day.. For those who have helped me, I sincerely thank them. I am not a gd worker, always needing advice on how to settle my cases but some of my collaegues really had been there for me since the day I had known them. so, as for the remaining term, just pray I can survive it peacefully with no big trouble.

had rekindled my passion for books recently.. haha.. just that if I were to rekindle it earlier, how nice would it be. My eng language skills may entirely be another different story. BUT, my reading speed is very SLOW. hahs. Just finished The Alchemist 2 days ago. A bit cheem, and always got the feeling that I am only understanding only half of the story. lol.

but still, wld like to quote some phrases frm the book:
people learn early in their lives what is their reason for being, maybe that's why they give up on it so early, too..

don't forget to follow your destiny through to its conclusion.

every blessing ignored becomes a curse.

When I am eating, that's all I think abt. If I'm on the march, I'll just concentrate on the marching. If I have to fight, it will just be as good a day to die as any other. Because I dun live in either in my past or future. I'm only interested in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll always be a happy man.

It's not what enters men's mouths that is evil. It's what comes out of their mouths that is.

Everyone on earth has a treasure awaits him. We, people's hearts, seldom say much of those treasures because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, towards it own fate. But, unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out fir them - the path to their destinies, and to their happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and because they do, the world turns out, indeed to be a threatening place..

before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up.

Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.

If I am really part of your dream, you'll come back one day.

Where your treasure is, there also will be your heart.

What is ur treasure?
Are u following ur destiny, or r u straying from it?

testing